I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Randomize
