This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
