The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
