If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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