I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
