i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
