as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
