He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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