1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize