Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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