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• (310): View more from California

  i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?

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• (309): View more from Illinois

  "Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.

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• (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you

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• (512): View more from Texas

  Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.

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• (847): View more from Illinois

  Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.

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• (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.

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• (705): View more from Ontario

  Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

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• (406): View more from Montana

  I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.

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• (978): View more from Massachusetts

  rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.

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• (607): View more from New York

  How high are you?

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth

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• (914): View more from New York

  All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point

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• (703): View more from Virginia

  Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns

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• (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?

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• (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service

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• (864): View more from South Carolina

  Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?

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