I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
