I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
