The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Randomize