This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
