I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
