I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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