Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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