I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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