i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
