It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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