# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
