Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
