Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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