I want to stick my p in your. b.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
