For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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