You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
