the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Randomize
