Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
the liver wants what the liver wants
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
