i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
