Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Is it because I queefed?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
