I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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