her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
