It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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