Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
