i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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