Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
