dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
