I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
