I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
