If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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