I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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