so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
