Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
