A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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