Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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