New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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