I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
