rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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