I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
