he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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