i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
