My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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