I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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