Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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