Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
