Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I use my feet as sexual weapons
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
