dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
