I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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