I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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